humour2?

[forumAdmin]

WHAT IS ***?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is ***?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such
a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask
the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all
about human reproduction, and the joys and responsibilities of
intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with
her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did
you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in
just a couple of secs."

[forumAdmin]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over
the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there
anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

[forumAdmin]

MY JOB
When you have an "I hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home
from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it
will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it
carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement,
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not
work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS.

[forumAdmin]

I thought you should be aware of this.
I don't know how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.
They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed.
It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow. I'm running out of purses....

[forumAdmin]

WHY CAN'T POLITICIANS COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS LIKE THIS?

A win, win, win situation. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, use
the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans and put the Florida alligators
into the moat.
Any other problems you would like me to solve?

We could certainly use that yank over here in the UK

[desc]

Anyone want to buy some second hand purses?

[forumAdmin]

Lets not get too political but it was a read...............

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END


THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[forumAdmin]

New Language For Europe

The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that english spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.

The agreed plan is as follows:- In Year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. ('ch' will remain the same).

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.

By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving more keyboard spas). Duringze fift year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer combinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrion vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

.....ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!!!

[forumAdmin]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat
after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America,the other is in Australia and I'm in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we
drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me
self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

Then one day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and
he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that me wife
had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't
affected me brothers though."

[simonfinney]

ahh. a Knowing grin creases me face when i read a joke like that, eh Des!!!